The NBA Is in a Glass Case of Emotion

By: Dan Diez

Coming into the 2016-2017 season the Golden State Warriors have set the stage for another season of repetitive clickbait headlines. Going back to the Mark Jackson days, everyone said that jump shooting teams couldn’t win a championship. 16 playoff wins later, and this happened:


Steve Kerr came in and made a good thing great. Steph emerged into an MVP, sixth man Veronica Corningstone (Andre Iguodala) took the finals MVP, and the Warriors were an urgent and horrifying news story for the rest of the league. The team then grew out of their secondary California market onto the national network. Then came the sequel:

anchorman 2.png

At first, no one would believe they would be as good as they were. Until they caught their first glimpse of what was to come.


These Warriors were no gumball machine; they were a fully powered Dodge Durango. They ripped through the regular season, but ran out of gas (or gumballs and allowed playoff technicals) one game too short. It looked similar to the original, but left fans disappointed at the finale.

Although there is no Anchorman 3, the Warriors have their big four this year (and Zaza Pachulia), which is a lock to be the only news you (get to) watch.


While “Anchorman” (the Warriors) is (are) Will Ferrell’s (the NBA’s) standout, tbere are other films (teams) which deserve mention in a season preview. Zach Lowe’s tiers have nothing on this.


In the 2015-2016 season, these teams all ranked in the top 12 in pace but their front offices continue to complain about the lack of offensive production. In the past two years they each fired coaches who successfully brought the team from irrelevant back into contenders or playoff teams and they are all looking for a bounce back to that level of contention. Most of these coaches were most of defensively oriented but got the boot because of the front office need for speed.


The shooting revolution is real. Too often do you hear that a team needs a shooter because they lack floor spacing. That is why teams are still going after Ray Allen instead of letting him retire in peace. These teams seemingly don’t care about that and are instead stockpiling big men. Having a rim protector is important but having multiple that can’t play together is as much a liability as it is an asset. These teams have a couple interesting story lines for the coming season, mainly how to spread minutes to big men and prepare for the next lottery.


Some would argue that “Step Brothers” is better than “Anchorman” and those people, although in the minority, shouldn’t have their sanity questioned. These step brothers are still living at home but there is a real chance that the “boats and hoes” could crash the Warriors ‘ship aspirations.

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“The Campaign” was released in 2012 and many of these teams have been campaigning to their fan bases since. They each possess balance of young talent as they attempt to appeal frustrated fan bases with hope for a better future. With any luck they win one of these years because their people are losing patience for empty promises. (Side note: The Bucks were one of my biggest stretches but even this makes sense with all that length)

semi pro.pngIt pains me to associate the Pistons with this movie, but their Michigan connection makes it too easy. That and Ish Smith the pass first point guard and Andre Drummond know a thing or two about the alley oop.

Oh, and the Knicks are an NBA team with Sasha Vujacic in their rotation.


Each of these teams is well coached and managed, and will be great to watch through the holidays, but at as the winter ends and playoffs begin, their days will be limited. Their success will take them to the summer but they are all missing a major piece or two (Note: the Heat will likely melt out of this category but this comparison is a tribute to Pat Riley’s inability to sit idly during any non-championship level play.)

Another note: Pelicans could be considered the family in “Elf” because they brought in Buddy and so far it’s been awful…but that implies the Buddy Hield project will ultimately work out, so they can’t be in this tier yet.


These teams are more Bill Russell than they are Uncle Drew. They win with defense first and worry about getting buckets second. These days teams are dancing to their “rappity hippity hop” and rocking flashy shoes, but this group has the fundamentals to beat you up and take your lunch money. That being said, buckets win games, not lunch money.


Watch this video and tell me it isn’t the equivalent to how bad the Nets are this year and will be for years to come.


This movie is the story of Richard Nixon’s resignation. All of Dwight’s former coaches have been forced out, and a Watergate comparison might help a franchise with a 56 year championship drought.


I had to pick a movie where the Will Ferrell was the bad guy. Mugatu is trying to take over the fashion world, and it is up to the Cavs to find their blue steel (again) and save the Prime Minister of Malaysia. Also, JR Smith’s inability to wear a shirt makes him more ready for an orgy than Hansel. (Note: I still don’t know who the Prime Minister is but I would assume that it’s the Bulls’ reputation as the best team of all time, which the media put under attack yet again.)

zoolander 2.png

I know it made more sense for the Cavs to be “Zoolander 2” for the rematch, but this movie wasn’t good enough for the comp. The Thunder have made Mugatu even more dangerous with their inability to finish him off last season and he has taken their most dangerous weapon. They are significantly weakened by the blow, but the Thunder behind Russell Westbrook’s blue steel can take on the world any given night. If only that was the case every given night.

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